


Too Much

by an_actual_anarchist (Enj_y)



Category: Jreg, The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Ancom is AFAB, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author is projecting onto Ancom, Drugs, Evil Author Day, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Love Confessions, Nonbinary Character, Other, Protectiveness, Self-Harm, mentions of parental abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23386756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enj_y/pseuds/an_actual_anarchist
Summary: Sometimes, Nazi just gets too much. He hits the wrong spot on qis dysphoria, and it breaks Ancom. They know they've been trying to get better, but they just can't help it.
Relationships: Ancom/Commie, LibLeft/AuthLeft, leftist unity - Relationship
Comments: 18
Kudos: 99





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sup, ya'll? Major CW for Dysphoria, Self Harm, Parental Abuse, and Drug use. I've been having a really shitty case of Dysphoria lately so I'm projecting onto Ancom. Oh, yeah, I made qim AFAB. Because PROJECTING! Oh, also, this was not beta-ed. Sorry. Also no, I do not know how Call of Duty works.

Ancom hummed a song lightly, loose pants swishing around qir ankles as they wandered through Ancap’s massive house. The pants were striped, and they wore a self-made crop top, a t-shirt jaggedly cut while they were high just below the anarchist sign. (Luckily, it was long enough that qi could still wear qir binder.) The furnishings were painfully ornate, the epitome of “I’m better than you, and here’s why you poor filth.” Ancom pushed those thoughts away though, pulling out a home-baked brownie and nibbling on it when they realised they were in the living room, where Nazi was playing Call of Duty and yelling racial slurs at twelve-year-olds over the headset. His character was shot down, and he turned to Ancom.

“What are you staring at, you filthy fucking dyke?” He spat. Ancom bit qir lip, qir good mood ruined in an instant by the Nazi. Qi wished they had qir baseball bat with qim because Nazi definitely could have used a good bashing with it. Maybe qi’d find out if he actually had a brain. 

“Why the fuck do you insist on being. SUCH! AN! ASSHOLE!?!?” Qi screeched. “I’M NOT A GIRL!” Qi felt tears prick qir eyes. It wasn’t a big deal, he was always like this, but… Dysphoria had been a bitch the last few days, and this… Qi found qirself rushing forward, tackling Nazi and struggling to bash his head into the floor. He was wiggly, and qir high was finally kicking in, which was extremely inconvenient. Qi screeched as they felt someone lift them off Nazi lightly and be scooped under a strong arm. They kicked and squeaked, struggling to free qirself. 

“Let me GO!” Qi screamed. 

“Vhat is going on here?” Growled Commie, sounding rather like an annoyed bear. 

“I greeted her, and she jumped me,” Nazi said, rolling his eyes. 

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!” Ancom could feel themselves slipping. “HOW?! MANY!?!?! MY PRONOUNS ARE QI/QIM/QIR!” Qi could feel tears slipping down their cheeks, this was just too much. Qi was restrained, and qi hated being stuck or restrained. Qi was furious at Nazi, even more than normal. And qi was especially mad at Commie for keeping qim from ripping Nazi’s bones out through his feet with qir bare hands. 

“See? She’s screaming like an animal. Can’t you just get rid of her already?” Nazi scoffed, waving a hand. “She’s your pet. Get rid of her.”

“Nazi, she, uh, qi is a qi. Not a she.”

“Pfft, don’t tell me you’re actually going along with this? Ugh. I’m going to go insane if I stay here much longer.” 

Ancom squirmed again before Nazi left and Commie brought qim to qir room, sat qir down on qir bed, wrapped a green blanket around their shoulders, and paused. 

“I am sorry, Comrade. I vill try to be better.” Qi sniffed as they left, before breaking into broken sobs. It was just so much. It was nice that Commie was trying, but it just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to stop Nazi from taking every opportunity to humiliate and torture qim. It wasn’t enough to stop the cold trickle of dysphoria from beginning to wreck their body.

Ancom had struggled with dysphoria since the age of eleven when qi first got qir period. From there, qir life just went to hell. Self-harm. Drugs. Suicide attempts. Qi was gay and nonbinary, and when they came out to qir parents, qi was thrown out. Qi had never felt loved, never felt safe, except when they found qir fellow anarchists, but even still. And now qi was cut off from everything qi cared about. With a Nazi in the house. No wonder qi was going fucking insane... 

Dysphoria was always a struggle, but since they’d all started living together it was hell. Qi missed Anarcho-syndicalism. It was so much easier… None of the other anarchists ever cared when qi dressed however qi wanted. Even if they didn’t get qir pronouns right, they at least called qir they. But no! Qi lived with Nazi! The very embodiment of every single thing that qi stood against! And qi had to LIVE with him! Qi sobbed dryly, hands clenching and going to qir chest. Despite qir chest being bound, dysphoria seemed to seep in every single pore in qir body. It was everywhere. Qi was so disgusted by qir body, every single curve, every single feminine characteristic. Tears streaked down qir face as they heaved and coughed, nails biting into qir skin. Qi already had many scars from years of self-harm, the years of scraping a razor against qir skin. Cuts covered huge swathes of qir legs, normally covered by a long skirt or sweat pants due to fear of reactions from others. 

Qi reached to qir bedside table, grabbing the small blade on the makeshift handle and slicing across qir wrist. Qi breathed, losing qirself in the cuts. Bright red liquid seeped from qir skin, dripping down their arm and staining the white bedsheets. Qi breathed, slicing further and further, before remembering not to go too far. Then, qi turned to qir chest. Despite knowing it could ruin qir chances for surgery in the future, qir chest had hundreds of scars. Slice. Cut. Rip. Break. Strip. Destroy. Kill this awful body qi were trapped in, release qim, free qim! 

Qi was choking on air, sobbing heavily before dropping the razor, injecting a dose of Heroin into their veins and passing out. 

~~~

Commie walked through the hall, carrying a few theory books to his room for his late-night reading frenzies when he heard high pitched sobs coming from the Anarkiddie’s room. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew that Anarkiddie self-harmed, he knew they did drugs, he knew they had dysphoria, even if he wasn’t always… Great about pronouns. He just sort of forgot, and he truly was sorry, not that he’d ever admit that. 

“Anarkiddie?” He asked quietly after the wrecked sobs had ceased. “Anarkiddie? If you do not open door, I will pick lock.” There was still no response. He sighed, pulling out a lockpick and easily opening the door to be faced with a limp Ancom clutching a syringe and covered in horrible cuts and blood. “Oh, god,” He breathed. “A… Anarkiddie?” He whimpered, his heart clenching tightly like a vice. He hadn’t felt like this before, but now wasn’t the time for this. He closed the door behind him, kneeling down to be next to qim. “Please, please be okay,” He whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ancom wakes up to see that qi was bandaged and in different clothing, and sees that Commie is there, reading and watching qim. Qi asks him to stay the night, in desperation for some company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooh!! FLUFF!! !! ! !!! ! ! Also some angst i m s o r r y . But soft angst! And no more self-harm! And commie being cute, soft, and protective of his Ancom! I tried to be cute I'm sorry

When Ancom woke up, qi was wrapped in a dark red blanket and had firmly wrapped bandages around qir wrists and chest. The sheets were clean, pristine, and white. The razor was gone. Qi was even in a fresh set of green flannel pyjamas. Qi looked around, seeing Commie sitting in the small wooden desk chair reading through an old theory book that he was writing in with a dark red pen. “Commie?” Qi asked, voice shaking. “What’s happening? Why are you here?” The man jumped, looking at Ancom with concern painted all over his face. 

“Comrade! You’re awake!” Ancom had never heard so much emotion, other than anger or annoyance, slip through in Tankie’s voice before. “Vhat did you do?” A bit of anger slipped through, making Ancom shrink back slightly. Qi didn’t want to deal with an angry Tankie. 

“I just… Dysphoria,” Qi mumbled, glancing down. “Did you do all this?”

“I, uh, yes. I hope that alright with you, Anarkiddie. I kept my eyes closed, as much as possible.” Commie’s face was slightly red, and he glanced down at the book that was now closed around his finger. “Trying to be respectful.”

Ancom smiled slightly, wrapping the blanket further around qirself. It was furry, the same soft fur of the ushanka he always wore, even when it was unreasonable to do so. (Seriously, who wears one of those in 90-degree heat? (Fahrenheit. Not Celcius.) “Thank you, Tankie,” Qi said softly. “Why are you still here?”

“I just vanted to make sure you vere okay. You scared me, Anarkiddie.” His face suddenly turned strict. “How long have you been cutting?”

“Uhm… A long time…” Qi mumbled, looking down at the floor. 

“You stop doing that. You hurt yourself, and I cannot patch you up every single day.” He paused. “I thought you vere dead. Do not scare me like that.” 

“I’m sorry, Tankie.”

“No, you are sorry you hurt me. You should be sorry you hurt yourself.”

“I don’t know if I can be,” Qi sniffed, wiping at qir eyes before tears could spill over their face. Commie frowned, standing up and sitting back down next to them and hesitantly wrapping an arm around them.

“Then I vill make sure you do not cut yourself, Anarkiddie. Understand me?” Ancom felt their face flush. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I vill check on you every night, and if needed, I will sleep in here to make sure you follow rules. No cutting. No drugs but LSD and pot, and you have to take care of yourself while you take them. Understand me?”

“Yes.” 

“Good.” Commie shifted slightly, as though pulling his arm away.

“Don’t leave me,” Ancom whispered. “I don’t think I can be alone right now. Please stay the night.” The sky outside was a beautiful orange, the sun setting. “How long was I out?”

“All of today.”

“Wow…” Qi trailed off, looking out at the painted sky. Commie stood up awkwardly, mumbling something about pyjamas before leaving Ancom alone. Qi almost protested, not wanting Commie to leave at all, but bit back qir remarks. He’d be back soon. Qi laid back, scooching far over to the wall to make room for Commie. Qi wasn’t a hundred per cent sure about the whole sharing a bed thing, but whatever. Qi didn’t trust qirself, and qi wanted to be held. To be told everything was okay. To be told qi was okay. To be told qi mattered, and to be told qi was really nonbinary, and not some crazy girl asking for attention. Even though qi knew qi wasn’t, sometimes that thought still crept in, ruining good days and making bad ones worse. 

Commie stepped back in, in a red t-shirt that said: “Eat the Rich” and long red fleece pyjama pants, still wearing his ushanka. “Are you sure, Ancom?” He asked.

“Yes. Will you hold me?” Qi whispered, face heating slightly. Qi could see a blush cross Commie’s strict features, even in the darkness of qir bedroom. He nodded, lying down next to qir and awkwardly wrapping his arms around qir. Ancom buried qir face in his chest, hiding from everything else and focusing on his steady breathing. Qi closed qir eyes, letting sleep hopefully overtake the two for the night. Even though qi’d been sleeping all day, qi still felt exhausted, and with Commie beside them, qi wasn’t afraid of the nightmares. 

Qi wasn’t quite sure why qi wanted Commie to stay so badly, if it had been someone like Ancap qi probably wouldn’t have wanted him to stay at all. Qi knew qi felt… Well, differently about Commie but even still. And if you asked qim, qi definitely couldn’t have told you what qi felt. All qi knew now was that qi wanted Commie to stay, preferably forever, but this one night would do. Maybe Ancap actually was right about one thing… They might have some sort of special feelings for Commie. 

~~~

Qi slept for some time, they weren’t sure how long when they woke up with a start. “Are you alright Comrade?” Commie asked softly. 

“Y-Yeah, fine, I think I just…” Ancom trailed off. 

“It is alright.” Commie awkwardly patted their head. “You’re okay. You’re safe.” Qi sighed shakily, reburying qir face in his chest. After about ten minutes, Commie spoke up again. “Ancom? Why did you hurt yourself?”

“I don’t know… It’s just easier. It feels good. I know it’s wrong. I know I need to stop. But it’s almost physical pain to distract from the mental.” Commie nodded slightly.

“You do have to stop, understand? If not for you, then for me?”

“Okay. I… I think I can.”

“Good. Ready to go back to sleep? I’ll make breakfast for us in the morning, so don’t be scared if you wake up and I’m not there.”

“Thanks for letting me know, Tankie. Good night, Tankie.”

“Goodnight, Anarkiddie.” 

Qi smiled against his chest. Ancap definitely was right… They did like Commie. Qi only hoped that he would feel the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter!! With MORE FLUFF!! And LOVE CONFESSIONS! AND STUFF!!! AND PROBABLY ROMANTIC STUFF IDK IM DUMB


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Commie makes breakfast. Awkward conversations ensue. Also kisses. Fluff and kisses!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is nothing but domestic fluff. Literally nothing else. I mean Nazi's a dick but like eh. its mostly just fluff

The bed was still warm when qi woke up, and qi could smell something wonderful from the kitchen. Qi remembered Tankie telling qim that he’d cook breakfast so qi rolled out of bed, stuck qir feet in qir slippers, and walked down the stairs. Commie was flipping pancakes and humming the national anthem of the soviet union, making two stacks of them and occasionally stepping over to check on a pot of freshly brewed coffee. Qi walked up silently, watching from the wall as he cooked, enjoying seeing him. He was cheerful, relaxed. Normally he was either glowering at Ancap or grumbling, but it was beautiful to just see him like this. Almost an insight Ancom had never seen before. Maybe it was weird to be watching someone like this but qi couldn't bring qirself to stop. "Oh! Anarkiddie!" Tankie's face was a peony pink, mouth a small 'O' as he looked at Ancom. 

"Hi," Ancom beamed. "Sorry, you just looked... Really happy. It was cute." Qi felt qir own face heat up, probably matching Commie. "So, pancakes?"

"Da, I made them vegan for you," Commie awkwardly rolled up on to his toes, before settling back down. "Uhm, good morning." 

"Aw, thanks Tankie!" Qi stepped up to him, their faces just a few inches away from each other. Qi wished qi could kiss him. But he pulled away, clearing his throat and turning back to his cooking. "So, erm... Thank you for staying with me last night. And you know, for patching me up and all. All of that was really sweet of you. Thank you."

"No worries, Anarkiddie," He murmured. Ancom huffed slightly, wishing there was an easy way to convey what qi wanted. How do you just walk up to someone who may not even like you back and say "Hey, by the way, I really fucking like you, kiss me?" or something crazy like that. Qi settled for sitting down on the countertop (after a short struggle with the stool they kept in the kitchen for Ancom) and watching the Tankie finish the pancakes and make the coffee. Qi knew that Commie liked his black, which Ancom couldn't fathom. How could anyone actually enjoy black coffee?! Qirs was practically a third milk and had no less than two tablespoons of sugar. Qi slid off the counter easily as the two next to each other sat at Ancap's gaudy dining table. It was ridiculous, the top was crystal and he used a table cloth. What was even the point? The chairs had arms and plush cushions which, while nice, were somewhat ridiculous. "Filthy Kulack..." Grumbled Commie. Ancom couldn't help but smile into qir coffee, amused by the fact they'd been living here for almost two months and he still wasn't used to it. They ate their food silently, each stealing glances towards each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. 

Ancom wished qi had any clue how to bring up the conversation qi desperately wanted to. How do you even bring it up? Qir earlier example was a fantastic example of how not to do it, but how the fuck do you actually do it?! Did qi just say what qi was thinking? Did qi ask to kiss him? That one was definitely appealing, but also blood-curdlingly terrifying. 

"Commie?" Qi said softly. "Uhm, I have a question." He looked over at them, their faces a breath apart. 

"Da?" 

"Kiss me?" Ancom held qir breath as Commie closed the gap, pressing their lips together softly, chastely. When they broke apart, Ancom's world seemed to have shrunk to nothing and no one but Commie. "Kiss me for real, come on Tankie." They shared a tiny laugh before pulling each other back in. Ancom let qirself dissolve in his arms again, held close. Feeling wanted, feeling needed, feeling loved. "I love you," qi whispered in between kisses. Qi pulled back, beaming up at Commie. "I don't quite know quite how long, all I know it's been a long time, and I want you, and I love you."

"Oh, Anarkiddie... I've been in love with you for so long. I didn't even dare think you could love me back, you vanting me seemed so impossible. You're brilliant, brave, and the passion you have for everyone and everything... You make me vant to believe, Ancom." Ancom beamed up at him, qi had never heard Commie sound so hopeful, so kind, so gentle. 

"I love you."

"I love you." 

"Oh boy. Are you serious? Somehow you two have gotten even more degenerate since I last saw you. That's almost impressive." Nazi's voice rung through the perfect moment harshly, like a slap in the face. "Disgusting. Are you really trying to spare his feelings, Ancom? Wow, I knew you were pathetic but this?"

"Get the fuck out!" Qi said shrilly. 

"Listen here, Nazi," Commie spat, hands still on Ancom's waist but eyes looking like if he tried hard enough Nazi might burst into flames as red as his flag. "You have caused too much pain already, you rat. Do you know that you cause pain to all around you? You hurt every single person, and you enjoy it! So what, Ancom is different. I love them. You should try to actually show some compassion to anyone but yourself sometimes. Now go. I want to hold qim."

"Ugh, as long as it means I don't have to look at," he waved his hand vaguely. "This." He scoffed, turned on his heel and stalked off, most likely to yell at twelve-year-olds over his headset. 

"I want to punch him," Ancom growled, not having moved but looking as though qi had half a mind to. 

"No."

"Aw, c'mon Tankie."

"I want to hold you."

"Oh. That uhm, that sounds really nice."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Qi pulled him down for another long kiss. "I love you, Tankie."

"I love you too, Anarkiddie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, so this has come to an end. I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing! <3 Have a lovely day!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for the cliff hanger. I'm sorry for torturing Ancom. I'm just generally sorry for writing this lol. I'll try to update by the end of the week, I promise.


End file.
